The Clock of Gloom

The clocks went back today and the experience has confirmed my view that it causes depression.

I remember as a child often feeling depressed around this time of the year. (I've mentioned this before, see here: Clock-Shift.) Back then I didn't realise it was a consequence of the clocks changing. Still, even at the time I was mindful that it was something seasonal. I would think, "Oh, it's this feeling again. I felt like this last year. Why do I feel like this?"

I particularly felt it in the evening time. Half-four, five o'clock, six o'clock time. The cartoons were finishing and the news was coming on TV. It felt dark and it was dark. The window of the living room a gloomy black between the curtains, reflecting the artificial light from inside.

It wasn't a clinical depression or anything massively serious, and it never lasted too long, but it was a depressed feeling nevertheless. A sense that things were dark and pointless and boring. I used the word ennui in the previous post, but that was only half-right. It was kind of a boredom mixed with sadness, but the sadness lacked a specific cause or reason. Again, a mild depression with the thought, "Why do I feel like this?"

Today I had that feeling once more. Around half-four I was sitting down to watch the Sunday football. I'd already watched one game earlier. I like football, but two games in a day is pushing my boredom threshold. So the boredom was already setting in. I'd just been for a walk to freshen my mind - or freshen my threshold - but that hadn't quite lifted me. It felt a bit "Uh" and gloomy. Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, it's actually half-five, not half-four going by yesterday's clock."

"The clocks went back today."

It wasn't a huge downer. I didn't feel like taking it to the bridge or anything. I don't want to overplay the sense of gloom. However, it was useful to have that feeling as confirmation of the phenomenon - even if just a mild version of it. The last few years I've generally been in work when the clocks have changed and I work lates, so I haven't really experienced that jolt from light to dark evenings. At the moment I'm just beginning a few weeks' holiday though. In fact, part of the reason I was bored is that I'm trying to relax and chillout a bit.

I normally always have this feeling that I should be doing something, so I'm trying to learn how to be a bit more laid back. When I was a kid I could play Sonic the Hedgehog for hours without the guilt that I was wasting time doing something frivolous. I guess I felt that important things could wait until adulthood. Now, in adulthood, it's went all the other way. I'm much happier typing this blog than I was when I was forcing myself to sit and watch a second football match. (I know what you're thinking, "This blog post isn't exactly important, is it?" However, in my mind it's all part of some grand analysis of the cosmos. So it feels like doing something, to me at least. Certainly more so than idly watching football.)

I was planning on making spaghetti after the football, but now I'm doing this. I should really go and make the spaghetti.