A Dragon Playing With Kittens

Update time.

I feel in a blogging mood at the moment. Not exactly sure what I'm going to write, but I crave some kind of catharsis. Let's get personal.

What's on my mind at the moment are my appalling social skills. I have the social skills of a toddler. If I was being generous I would describe myself as child-like. If I was being fairer I'd have to use the word childish. The calm interaction of the adult world eludes me. Even now, at the age of 42, I'm shy, nervous, awkward. I'm not quite as bad as I was when I was younger, I've made some improvement, but still, it's far from enough.

Partly it stems from a fear of treading on other people's toes and getting into trouble. As a child the importance of being well-behaved was always drilled into me, especially in regard formal situations, such as at school (an attitude I've carried over into work in my adult life). This meant: being quiet; speaking when spoken to; not chit-chatting and messing around; getting on with work.

I'm also very oversensitive to the impact my actions have on others. I can read people fairly well, and can read between the lines, so I instantly pick up on the subtle reflexes. Kind of the exact opposite of the type of guy who has zero self-awareness, so imposes on others without the slightest sense that he's making a social faux-pas or overstepping the line, completely oblivious to the clear distaste on other people's faces. I'm too self-aware. So I always feel like a dragon dealing with kittens. Like I might accidentally scold someone with my fiery breath. I don't like putting people out, or being a burden on people, and heavily sense it when I am.

This is then compounded by the fact that most of everyday life tends to bore me. The routine "he said, she said," conversations. The usual, "Have you tried the latest thing that's been advertised on TV?" things people talk about. I normally just nod my head and listen, ..and if I ever do give my true opinion it's too exacting and jarring for people. Again, that dragon playing with kittens sense that my true self is just too rough and abrasive to be unleashed upon everyday society.

As is apparent from this blog, I'm full of opinions and questions. And I'm always like this, I can't help but observe the world. It doesn't switch off. Most people don't want this in daily life though. It's too much. They just want to watch the latest movie - they don't want it completely dismissed or deconstructed. They don't want the philosophical why. So - unless something is really important - I tend to keep my opinions to myself and give others the floor. I listen and nod. The problem with this though is that it's insincere. I'm listening because I want to do the right thing and be nice. Not because I genuinely want to hear what the other person is saying.

I think going forward I really need to make an effort to actually care more about what others care about. To elevate those little things within myself and not just pay an outward lip service to them. I really want to improve as we go into 2025. I think I need to slow down a little bit too. Not be so busy-busy. Again, like at school, I was so eager to please that I often put the school work before the people I was working with. I'd be in a rush to get my head down and get things done. So too am I like this in adult life. My instinct is to 'not piss about'. I need to be a bit more cool and relaxed.

(There's a reason why we call cool people cool. They're not in a tizz. They're chill, they go with the flow. They aren't stress-heads.

Incidentally, and on a tangent, (see, I can't help but notice these things), in the online right the word used is based. Similarly, there, the word itself comes with connotations of being solid, grounded, down-to-earth. It's a little different to the go-with-the-flow cool, but it likewise gives a sense of being calm and not wishy-washy or in a tizz.)

So I need to be a bit more peaceful.

Dragon's Lair

On reflection, another factor contributing to my childish social skills is my childish status. Still living at home. Still here in my parents' house. So whether a pupil in school, an employee at work, or a child under parents, you're never calling the shots. You're always in someone else's domain.

Like here, on this blog, it's my domain. I can say what I want. I can set the world to rights. I can say to anyone coming here, "Listen, if you don't like it, don't come here. No one's forcing you to be here." I can't really tread on anyone's toes here, because those toes have came here under their own volition and can just as easily walk away again. Here I have a little online kingdom. Or, at least, an online room-for-one that belongs to me. Out in the real world though it's always my toes tiptoeing around in other people's realms. If I give my opinions there, or try to set the world to rights, I'm causing trouble in someone else's space. Annoying people that didn't choose to be in my presence.

I think this is why having your own home is so important in regard the development of a man. We are, to some extent, shaped by our circumstances, so naturally we find ourselves a product of habit. Just as the pampered child becomes spoilt, or the overfed pet becomes fat. If you're always in a deferential position it's hard to become decisive. To be the commanding rock that's anchored against the wind.

Finally, to round things off, these things are also partly a product of our nature. It might just be my natural inclination to some degree. We can't blame all of our personal failings on nurture and circumstance. In 2025 I'm really determined to muster up the willpower to overcome the aspects of my being that let me down. Perhaps getting it down in words will help me do this.

We'll see how it goes..