Conversations Rehearsed in the Mind

A few posts back I talked about my efforts to be less socially awkward. Since then I've found that physically slowing down helps. I'm normally a high energy busy-bee, with the garbled anxiousness to go with it. Anyway, just slowing down works. Like, actually just walking slower. I force myself to walk more slowly before I walk into a room, and, voilà, I'm much more chilled out. The physical translating into the emotional and inter-personal. Of course, it hasn't quite transformed me into Arthur Fonzarelli overnight, but it has helped.

Another aspect of social anxiety I've been thinking about is, "Conversations Rehearsed in the Mind." Everyone probably understands what I'm talking about here.

You want to speak to a particular person. You imagine the conversation you want to have with them. Perhaps when you're lying awake at night, or waiting for the bus. Going over it in your mind. Perfecting the words you want to say. Replete with charming little jokes and witty points. However, when the opportunity arises it isn't quite like that. Almost disappointingly so. And it's not just that you lacked the confidence to say what you wanted to say, though that may be part of it. It's the sheer difference between the fantasy and the reality. The situation presents itself differently. The person responds with different words to the ones you'd imagined they'd say, or they're in a slightly different mood. Or there are other people around, butting it and stealing your limelight, cutting you off. Or just changing the social dynamics of the situation. Or, the conversation just goes in a completely different direction. Leaving you trying to force your pre-scripted points into a scene where everyone else is just going naturally with flow.

In short, reality is so much more complicated and unpredictable than the dreamed-up conversation in your head. You're left feeling like an anti-social oddball. Or again, just downcast and disappointed that your life isn't what you imagined it was.

So, the question then comes:

Should you rehearse conversations in the mind like this?

Would it not be better to stop overthinking things, and to start trying to live in the moment? Isn't this the way successful, confident people go through life?

However, I'm not so sure. I think it's more a case of needing to manage your expectations, and learning how to deal with disappointment or defeat.

It's a little bit like football. Visualising success is important. Obviously, when you're out on the pitch the freekick isn't going to fly into the top corner every time. Yet still, rehearsing the dream in your mind acts as a form of practice. It isn't a substitute for real world practice, but it does help. It also allows you to imagine new ideas and be creative. I'm sure truly successful footballers do this. They'll dream (and obsess) over such things.

It may look effortless on the pitch, but that effortless freekick was the product of lots of mental and physical practice.

A similar, though more boring example, is the job interview. Interviews rarely go how we imagine they will, but thinking about what you might say or how you'll respond to questions certainly helps. And if you really care about the job you'll think about it a lot.

So, how much more can you care about a person. If you can lose sleep over a job or a football match, then surely a person is worth the sleepless nights. It's tiring and stressful, but would you want it any other way. The mountain is high, but the view is spectacular.

Therefore, I think it's more a case of trying to bring your tricks and flicks into the real world. To see the dream as practice for a real world that's much more complex. Instead of hoping or expecting that reality will simply mirror the sitcom in your mind. To prepare yourself for the big game, so that you have the confidence and instincts to be able to express yourself in real time. Rehearsing conversations helps, just be flexible. Perhaps the opportunity for a backheel or a rabona will present itself. But don't try to force it.

For instance, Ronaldinho no doubt did a lot of practising and dreaming - he was certainly imaginative. But he enjoyed himself on the pitch too and operated on instinct when out there. So I think this is probably the way to go. Not to start not caring, or not dreaming. Or to start pretending the things you feel are important are not important ..but to start enjoying the game more.

I think it's also important to remember that everyone has some kind of internal monologue. It's easy to look at other people and to think, "That person breezes through life." However, the reality is, everyone has an inner life. Everyone has their insecurities, anxieties and ambitions. So, if you assume others go through life effortlessly you underestimate their intent and worry, and their own inclination to dream and to pursue the things they want.

There's been a lot of talk over the last few years in online circles about winners and losers. Chads and betas. Especially in regard male/female relationships. With commentators often viewing women as foes to be subdued and defeated. But I think the real winners are the people that just enjoy the game. Cringe though that may sound.